It's the day before everything changes..

Since the day my son was born, he has been at home with me. But that wasn’t always the plan.

Charles was born in 2020 during the COVID Pandemic. Daycare wasn’t really an option at the time, so I stayed home after my maternity leave while my husband finished his fellowship training. 

When Charles was about 9 months old, we had to move to a new state for my husband’s fellowship training. Although quarantine was lessened, social distancing was still recommended, and the daycares that were open had 9+ month wait lists. Since Kevin’s fellowship would only be for 1 year, we decided it made the most sense for me to stay home with Charles a little bit longer, doing what work I could virtually.

After Kevin finished his training and we prepared for another multi-state move, I was also 6 months pregnant with baby #2. While getting settled in our new home and community, we decided I should stay home with Charles until after my would-be maternity leave with baby #2. 

Fast forward to Alvin at 6 months old and Charles being unable to start preschool due to his birthday being after September 1st… the cost of two kids in daycare so I could go back to work in the clinic just didn’t make sense.

Now, Charles is old enough for preschool, and I have his book bag all packed. His first day will be tomorrow. And although I’ve had plenty of time to prepare for this transition, I am struggling.

I have been the one that tended to his every need for his entire life.

I rocked him before his naps, changed his diapers, made his meals.

I took him to his first park, pushed him on his first swing, held him down his first slide.

I’ve taught him how to get dressed.

I’ve taught him how to brush his teeth.

I’ve taught him how to go potty (sitting AND standing up!).

I’ve taught him how to set the table for meals, eat with big boy utensils, and refill his Paw Patrol cup from the fridge spout.

I’ve taught him to read.

I’ve taught him to write his name.

I’ve taught him how to add, subtract, and count to 1,000.

I’ve taught him the names of all his favorite dinosaurs, construction vehicles, and all the planets.

I taught him.

Until tomorrow, I have been his teacher every day for nearly 4 years.

Tomorrow, he will have new teachers in his life.

I know he is going to love them - he’ll learn so many wonderful things from them!

But that doesn’t mean I won’t mourn these days when it was just me and him.

As I send him off to school tomorrow, I hope and pray with every piece of my heart that he is safe. 

That he is always kind, and that others are kind to him. 

That if he sees someone else fall down, he helps them up.

And that if he is the one who falls, he makes at least one friend who will help him, too. 

That he continues to love learning, exploring, and growing as much as we’ve loved doing those things together these years at home. 

That he shares his beautiful smile with the world, and doesn’t let the tough things in life dim his light.

I sit here writing this after putting him to bed. While tucking him in, he hugged me tightly and said “Mama, you’re the most special princess I have ever seen in my whole life. You’re my best friend. I love you.”

It was never the plan for me to stay home with Charles every day until he turned 4 years old. But now that I have done it, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. 

There were hard days - days I cried from fatigue, frustration, and lack of any breaks. It was extremely challenging to keep my virtual PT business going while juggling kids at home with me, cramming appointments and posts into nap times or post-bedtimes. I have gone through periods of feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and disconnected from myself.

Becoming a stay-at-home parent has challenged me more than any other job I've ever had. But it has also helped me become the best version of myself that I've ever known.

I have had days of overwhelming love, immeasurable joy, and unfathomable blessings. Raising my sons is the greatest work I have ever done, and probably ever will do. These have been the absolute best days of my life, and I will cherish everything about them for as long as I live. 

Charles, you’re my most special blessing, my very best buddy, and I love you more than I could possibly put into words. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader as I watch you (with very teary eyes) go out into this world and change it. Because you will, my little astronaut. I have no doubt you will.